Fierce Burning Desire (or lack thereof)
I’ve been reading about other people’s experiencing of awakening,
and one theme that seems to run through most of their stories,
is that of a fierce, burning desire for truth.
Is that a prerequisite for getting past the un-truth?
Because I can’t honestly say that I have that desire.
What I have is more of an exasperating, smoldering frustration with un-truth.
It is almost a feeling of hopelessness, though in a not-quite-hopeless sort of way.
I just feel like I’m wallowing in un-truth, and sighing and saying,
“this is bullshit, there must be a better way.“
But what I’m not doing is saying
(with trumpets blaring)
“I must find this better way!
And goddammit I will,
if it takes all of my strength,
or even if it kills me!
I will find it!“
That seems like such
a romantic (and heroic) ideal,
and I can even say that,
in a certain way,
I *wish* that I *was* like that.
…but then even that wish
smells of the same bullshit.
And in any case, it would seem pointless
to *try* to be fiercely-burning-with-desire
if that was not what just was
naturally happening anyway.
I only want what is authentic.
And there, that is a different kind of desire altogether,
that is a — um, well — authentic desire.
Desire maybe isn’t even the right word.
It’s like I just won’t settle for anything less;
There is an inherent dissatisfaction
with anything less than authentic.