Fierce Burning Desire (or lack thereof)

by sleepwalkwaking

I’ve been reading about other people’s experiencing of awakening,
and one theme that seems to run through most of their stories,
is that of a fierce, burning desire for truth.
Is that a prerequisite for getting past the un-truth?
Because I can’t honestly say that I have that desire.

What I have is more of an exasperating, smoldering frustration with un-truth.
It is almost a feeling of hopelessness, though in a not-quite-hopeless sort of way.

I just feel like I’m wallowing in un-truth, and sighing and saying,
this is bullshit, there must be a better way.

But what I’m not doing is saying
(with trumpets blaring)
I must find this better way!
And goddammit I will,
if it takes all of my strength,
or even if it kills me!
I will find it!

That seems like such
a romantic (and heroic) ideal,
and I can even say that,
in a certain way,
I *wish* that I *was* like that.
…but then even that wish
smells of the same bullshit.

And in any case, it would seem pointless
to *try* to be fiercely-burning-with-desire
if that was not what just was
naturally happening anyway.

I only want what is authentic.
And there, that is a different kind of desire altogether,
that is a — um, well — authentic desire.
Desire maybe isn’t even the right word.
It’s like I just won’t settle for anything less;
There is an inherent dissatisfaction
with anything less than authentic.