The Endless Search for Self

by sleepwalkwaking

Another insight came today:

I’m still looking for a self;
I’m just looking for a higher self,
a bigger self,
a truer self.

There is an assumption
that it must be so.

I even hear so-called
enlightened people
speak of this true-self.

But in the absence of
an experiential understanding
of WTF they are talking about,
a conceptual understanding
is formed in its place.

This conceptual understanding
is necessarily based only on
my personal treasury
of past experiences
and concepts
and beliefs.

Even though
I can’t honestly say
I can find a “self”,
and I can’t really say
I even believe
that there is one to be found,
nevertheless there is this goal
of discovering something
with which I can identify “myself”
that is bigger than that “self”.

Aaahhhhh!

This circular logic is so absurd!
Where is the escape hatch?
I want out!
Wait, who wants out??
I don’t know!
Wait, who doesn’t know???
Don’t know!

Fuck!

(grin happens,
wide eyed stare into space,
hand against forehead in dumbfounded awe)

And yet
THERE IS STILL A SENSE
OF SELF, OF ME,
OF BEING SEPARATE.

All of this “truth” is still just conceptual.
Where is the experience???!!!

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