by sleepwalkwaking

Is there such a thing as “pre-awakening”?

Because that’s the way “I” feel.

There is not an experience
of an “awakened state”,
but there is an experience
of an asleep state.

And if asleep-ness is recognized,
isn’t it necessarily awake-ness
that would recognize such a thing?

That seems logical,
and yet it is not “my” experience.
This is perplexing.

There is just this pervading sense of
This is not real.
Something isn’t right here;
whether with the way I am seeing,
or the things that are seen,
or the seer itself,
I cannot say.
but something isn’t right here.
This – all of this – isn’t real.

And so this is my conundrum,
my torturous predicament:
I would rather be fully awake
OR fully asleep
than in this state.
Because this state seems
totally dysfunctional.

And I see people who
seem to have awakened
into a clearer space
than the one I am experiencing,
and I say,
Yes!  They get it.”
They get what I have been
trying to express for so long,
but have no words to speak
nor even thoughts to think.
They seem to be fully seeing
and experiencing what, to me,
has been like a distant memory,
or a vague shadow
moving in the peripheral vision.

Peripheral vision, yes, that is what it is like.

Have you ever had the experience
of seeing something really distinctly
in your peripheral vision,
and then as soon as you look directly at it,
you can’t make it out, it disappears.
So you look away and immediately,
there it is again in your peripheral vision.
So you look again directly and… gone.
This could go on endlessly, it seems.
It is so frustrating!

So I almost wish
I had never seen this damn thing
that constantly hovers there
in my peripheral vision.

I wish I could just go about my life
staring directly at all the other BS
that most people are obsessed with.

But I can’t.

Because, as I have indicated,
it just seems like a bunch of BS.

There is this other thing in the periphery
to which all other things pale in comparison.
And I want to stare at it,
I want to see it directly,
and it just goes away.


I’ve been ruined by this thing,
of which I have only seen a tiny glimpse.
It has taken away my innocence,
my blissful ignorance,
and in it’s place
has been returned.

What a terribly unfair exchange!

And I see other people
who are conveniently unaware
of this thing that I have seen,
and I think to myself,
you lucky bastards.”

Where I really want to be
is in clear-seeing-awake-world,
not ignorant-dream-world,
but I feel stuck in in-between-world.
Yet if I had to choose between the latter two,
I would chose ignorant dream world.

I want to either be in this world
in a functional way,
or not be in this world at all.
And the former seems so impossibly difficult
(from this in-between place),
and the latter seems so tragically defeatist.
I want the middle way,
where everything flows,
and even effort is effortless.