Questioning & Doubt

by sleepwalkwaking

What is really going on here?  Am I just enamored with the idea of these other so called enlightened people, and wanting to be like them, wishing to emulate them?  Is this whole thing a giant charade on my part?  Cleverly using language to make it appear – even to myself – that I am undergoing a process of awakening?  I’m not even all that motivated, nor am I very disciplined (and isn’t the former needed for the latter?).  Other people talk about their journey involving intense motivation and discipline, often over a long period of time, then reaching a point of exhaustion where they realize that all was for naught and they’ve been wasting their time trying to find something that was present all along.  And so I have this idea that I am conveniently skipping the years of pointless searching, and going straight for the prize.  But what a bullshit story.  And even if the prize is right here within my reach and in fact was never lost to me, still I am lacking this intense motivation and discipline that other people seem to have.  If anything my approach is one of — I don’t know — disillusioned, apathetic, resolved semi-acceptance of the pointlessness of doing anything at all.  Which is not looking very good compared to the heroic dedication of others who have traveled this path.

And don’t I have a tendency to form romantic ideas and get swept away into fantasies based on these ideas, fantasies that get woven into my own self-deluded story, blurring all lines that separate fantasy from reality?  If that is a tendency I have, then isn’t this an especially dangerous context in which to be
employing such a tendency?  To formulate some romantic fantasy of discovering “no-self” and therefor existing in some enlightened state, and then deluding myself into thinking that is really happening, that is very dangerous indeed.  That could invite even more dysfunction into my life, a layer of pretend-no-self added right atop the layer of illusory-false-self amidst seemingly countless other layers in this proverbial onion of false beliefs.