sleepwalk waking

Just another sleepwalker, living a dream, dreaming a life, wanting to wake up.

Who am I?

There is a feeling of me-ness here,
there is a sense of being a seperate self.

It is very strong.
It seems real,
seems undeniable.
It is very convincing.

It is convincing
because it is experienced.
Direct experience of me-ness.

But then, there is also an awareness of all of the above.
There is awareness of the experience of me-ness.

And it seems like,
what’s supposed to happen,
is that as soon as that truth is recognized,
(the awareness of an experience of me-ness)
the sense of being confined to that me-ness
simply drops away.

Because, obviously
“I” am not confined to that me-ness,
if “I” have witnessed the me-ness
from a place outside of the me-ness.

But that’s not what happens.

Have I just not seen it?
Or am I somehow not yet looking
from a place outside the me-ness,
but rather, from a place inside the me-ness?

Because what actually happens is more like this:

1) I am the person, “me”.

2) And I am the person
having the awareness of
being the person, “me”.

3) And I am the person
having the awareness of
the person having the awareness
of being the person, “me”.

4) And I am the person
having the awareness of
the person having the awareness
of the person having the awareness
of being the person, “me”.

5,6,…) on and on,
ad infinitum

Where is this investigation going astray?

I Don’t Know How To Do This

All I know to do is to
think about these concepts.
Yet I get the impression that
thinking will never get me there.

There are all these concepts
about enlightenment
and the intellectual framework
for the process of its “attainment”.

So-fucking-what.
Who cares?

Where is the experience?

The clever voice responds:
you will never know, can never know.
you will only ever be stuck in those thoughts.
you can never get there.

And yet I know that clever voice for what it is,
just an imposter pretending to be wise,
repeating the words and concepts
collected from other sources,
claiming them as my own.

Dissolution of Dreaming

Sometimes
there is a physical feeling
that wells up inside me,
begins to bubble
toward the surface.
It is exciting, yet terrifying.

Then some sub-surface part of myself
quickly intervenes,
closes all the valves,
slams shut the doors and windows,
pulls the shades tight,
and says to me,
just ignore that.
nothing happened.
nothing to see here.
go about your business.
wipe that from your consciousness.

I am left with only a memory
that something was bubbling up,
some feeling was there.

Then there is a great sadness
and disappointment
that it never came to fruition,
never had a chance
to be fully expressed.

Somehow I recognize the feeling,
as the feeling of dissolution,
dissolution of dreaming.

Do I Really Want This?

Do I really even want to wake up?

If honestly investigate,
I don’t actually want to wake up.

Let me say that again:
I don’t want to awaken.

I want to stay asleep.

I am terrified of awakening,
because there is a sense
that it would be my annihilation.

And yet, there is an awareness of a wanting to wake up.
So where the hell is that coming from?

It’s as if something else wants me to wake up.

And whoever that is
is completely
fucking
with my life
until I do.

And so, yes,
I am seeking a way out of this mess,
but in a way that sometimes seems more like,
um, I don’t know,
seeking a way to set myself on fire.

To my “self”,
it is pure craziness
to be involved in this at all.

Now where the fuck are those matches?

Pre-Awakening

Is there such a thing as “pre-awakening”?

Because that’s the way “I” feel.

There is not an experience
of an “awakened state”,
but there is an experience
of an asleep state.

And if asleep-ness is recognized,
isn’t it necessarily awake-ness
that would recognize such a thing?

That seems logical,
and yet it is not “my” experience.
This is perplexing.

There is just this pervading sense of
This is not real.
Something isn’t right here;
whether with the way I am seeing,
or the things that are seen,
or the seer itself,
I cannot say.
but something isn’t right here.
This – all of this – isn’t real.

And so this is my conundrum,
my torturous predicament:
I would rather be fully awake
OR fully asleep
than in this state.
Because this state seems
totally dysfunctional.

And I see people who
seem to have awakened
into a clearer space
than the one I am experiencing,
and I say,
Yes!  They get it.”
They get what I have been
trying to express for so long,
but have no words to speak
nor even thoughts to think.
They seem to be fully seeing
and experiencing what, to me,
has been like a distant memory,
or a vague shadow
moving in the peripheral vision.

Peripheral vision, yes, that is what it is like.

Have you ever had the experience
of seeing something really distinctly
in your peripheral vision,
and then as soon as you look directly at it,
you can’t make it out, it disappears.
So you look away and immediately,
there it is again in your peripheral vision.
So you look again directly and… gone.
This could go on endlessly, it seems.
It is so frustrating!

So I almost wish
I had never seen this damn thing
that constantly hovers there
in my peripheral vision.

I wish I could just go about my life
staring directly at all the other BS
that most people are obsessed with.

But I can’t.

Because, as I have indicated,
it just seems like a bunch of BS.

There is this other thing in the periphery
to which all other things pale in comparison.
And I want to stare at it,
I want to see it directly,
and it just goes away.

Aargh!

I’ve been ruined by this thing,
of which I have only seen a tiny glimpse.
It has taken away my innocence,
my blissful ignorance,
and in it’s place
nothing
has been returned.

What a terribly unfair exchange!

And I see other people
who are conveniently unaware
of this thing that I have seen,
and I think to myself,
you lucky bastards.”

Where I really want to be
is in clear-seeing-awake-world,
not ignorant-dream-world,
but I feel stuck in in-between-world.
Yet if I had to choose between the latter two,
I would chose ignorant dream world.

I want to either be in this world
in a functional way,
or not be in this world at all.
And the former seems so impossibly difficult
(from this in-between place),
and the latter seems so tragically defeatist.
I want the middle way,
where everything flows,
and even effort is effortless.

Questioning & Doubt

What is really going on here?  Am I just enamored with the idea of these other so called enlightened people, and wanting to be like them, wishing to emulate them?  Is this whole thing a giant charade on my part?  Cleverly using language to make it appear – even to myself – that I am undergoing a process of awakening?  I’m not even all that motivated, nor am I very disciplined (and isn’t the former needed for the latter?).  Other people talk about their journey involving intense motivation and discipline, often over a long period of time, then reaching a point of exhaustion where they realize that all was for naught and they’ve been wasting their time trying to find something that was present all along.  And so I have this idea that I am conveniently skipping the years of pointless searching, and going straight for the prize.  But what a bullshit story.  And even if the prize is right here within my reach and in fact was never lost to me, still I am lacking this intense motivation and discipline that other people seem to have.  If anything my approach is one of — I don’t know — disillusioned, apathetic, resolved semi-acceptance of the pointlessness of doing anything at all.  Which is not looking very good compared to the heroic dedication of others who have traveled this path.

And don’t I have a tendency to form romantic ideas and get swept away into fantasies based on these ideas, fantasies that get woven into my own self-deluded story, blurring all lines that separate fantasy from reality?  If that is a tendency I have, then isn’t this an especially dangerous context in which to be
employing such a tendency?  To formulate some romantic fantasy of discovering “no-self” and therefor existing in some enlightened state, and then deluding myself into thinking that is really happening, that is very dangerous indeed.  That could invite even more dysfunction into my life, a layer of pretend-no-self added right atop the layer of illusory-false-self amidst seemingly countless other layers in this proverbial onion of false beliefs.

The Endless Search for Self

Another insight came today:

I’m still looking for a self;
I’m just looking for a higher self,
a bigger self,
a truer self.

There is an assumption
that it must be so.

I even hear so-called
enlightened people
speak of this true-self.

But in the absence of
an experiential understanding
of WTF they are talking about,
a conceptual understanding
is formed in its place.

This conceptual understanding
is necessarily based only on
my personal treasury
of past experiences
and concepts
and beliefs.

Even though
I can’t honestly say
I can find a “self”,
and I can’t really say
I even believe
that there is one to be found,
nevertheless there is this goal
of discovering something
with which I can identify “myself”
that is bigger than that “self”.

Aaahhhhh!

This circular logic is so absurd!
Where is the escape hatch?
I want out!
Wait, who wants out??
I don’t know!
Wait, who doesn’t know???
Don’t know!

Fuck!

(grin happens,
wide eyed stare into space,
hand against forehead in dumbfounded awe)

And yet
THERE IS STILL A SENSE
OF SELF, OF ME,
OF BEING SEPARATE.

All of this “truth” is still just conceptual.
Where is the experience???!!!